Friday, May 3, 2013

I've Got Man Arms


 (This is not a portrait of me, but it's close.)


I see a bunch of different doctors.  They are like my team or my posse or something.  "Team Linda and the Mission to Get Her Well"... it could make a fascinating mini-series.  Maybe I should look into selling the rights for that.

One of the doctors on "Team Linda" has been trying to balance out my hormones, because they are wonky or something.  For a while I was using progesterone cream and now I am on testosterone.  Testosterone is the hormone that men have a lot of,  you know.  By and large, I think it has been a helpful treatment, but the other day I was looking down at my forearm, and I noticed that it looked more muscular and that the veins were kind of popping out.

"Where have I seen this before?" I asked myself.  And then I remembered.  I went and sat down next to Joshua, my teenage son, and I looked at his arm.  Yes, my arm was resembling a boy-man in the midst of puberty.

This wasn't the first clue that I now have too much testosterone in my system.  I am partly French, so I have a lot of hair.  My Filipino husband and boys, on the other hand have barely any hair.  Their skin is as smooth as a baby's behind.  Because of the testosterone, I am growing even more hair.  Now I have enough hair for all four of us.

The other day I plucked 64 hairs out of my chin.  64 hairs.  It hurt.  It made my eyes water.  I am not even exaggerating.  I am fairly certain that this is a lot more hairs than I used to have.  And then to make matters worse, I caught I glimpse of my lower lip in the van's rear view mirror the other day.  There is a very small patch of dark hair under my lower lip and I am slightly mortified... I'm not sure what to do with it.  I don't need a Fu Manchu, or whatever those things are called.

"I think I am becoming a man," I told Patrick.  "Ya, I'm pretty sure I am."

The doctor didn't seem to be particularly phased about my transformation, but he lowered my dosage, so he must have been somewhat concerned.  I'm sure he doesn't want to read a headline that says, MIDDLE-AGED, PARTLY FRENCH WOMAN MORPHS INTO MAN, and feel somewhat responsible for it.

I'm not sure what the point of this story is. 

I hope my voice doesn't start cracking.


10 comments:

Jen said...

Oh Linda- next thing you know you'll be punching a hole in the wall :) I hope you get this figured out soon- hugs to you!

Sandy said...

No matter what's happening to you, it has not affected your sense of humor. :-)

I pray that your docs will be given great wisdom to get you on an even keel and feeling truly well again. Love you.

Shanna said...

Too funny, I have missed your blog!! how have you been? I hope all is well!

Anonymous said...

Linda; "Womens's Formula" Herbal Supplement is a Natural Hormonal balancer from Baseline Nutritionals.
I have been researching for a natural product to balance hormones and found this one to be the best choice so far; hopefully we will have success with it.
Happy to see your last three posts and have been praying for you while you have been away from posting. God is good and is orchestrating your life in a beautiful and balanced way. We see the the messy underside of the tapestry. He sees the amazingly beautiful completed work.

Flor said...

you are just the best.
seriously, i love your attitude during the not-so-best-parts of life.
praying and hoping that you get better and that your voice stays the same :)

Jodi said...

Oh dear, I'm trying not to laugh but it's not working... and it's making me guilty!! haha, shave that fu manchu thing off - that's what I do to my upper lip! (don't tell though ;)

Tamera Beardsley said...

My dear Linda, I am happy that you can appreciate the humor in what must be a very trying situation! Your candor and ability to express... always offers such a point of connectedness to all of us on this journey of life. Thank you!

Denise said...

You are hilarious, though I'm sure this is very hard for you (beautiful you).

64!
My paternal grandfather's name was Lindy. If you morph we can call you that.

Cassi Brightforest said...

I agree with Sandy you are able to maintain such a great sense of humor. Thank you for reminding us to see the lighter side in all things

Linda Z said...

Glad my "manhood" could make you all chuckle!! If popping veins and man hair can be used for good, anything can! :)

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