(This is not a portrait of me, but it's close.)
I see a bunch of different doctors. They are like my team or my posse or something. "Team Linda and the Mission to Get Her Well"... it could make a fascinating mini-series. Maybe I should look into selling the rights for that.
One of the doctors on "Team Linda" has been trying to balance out my hormones, because they are wonky or something. For a while I was using progesterone cream and now I am on testosterone. Testosterone is the hormone that men have a lot of, you know. By and large, I think it has been a helpful treatment, but the other day I was looking down at my forearm, and I noticed that it looked more muscular and that the veins were kind of popping out.
"Where have I seen this before?" I asked myself. And then I remembered. I went and sat down next to Joshua, my teenage son, and I looked at his arm. Yes, my arm was resembling a boy-man in the midst of puberty.
This wasn't the first clue that I now have too much testosterone in my system. I am partly French, so I have a lot of hair. My Filipino husband and boys, on the other hand have barely any hair. Their skin is as smooth as a baby's behind. Because of the testosterone, I am growing even more hair. Now I have enough hair for all four of us.
The other day I plucked 64 hairs out of my chin. 64 hairs. It hurt. It made my eyes water. I am not even exaggerating. I am fairly certain that this is a lot more hairs than I used to have. And then to make matters worse, I caught I glimpse of my lower lip in the van's rear view mirror the other day. There is a very small patch of dark hair under my lower lip and I am slightly mortified... I'm not sure what to do with it. I don't need a Fu Manchu, or whatever those things are called.
"I think I am becoming a man," I told Patrick. "Ya, I'm pretty sure I am."
The doctor didn't seem to be particularly phased about my transformation, but he lowered my dosage, so he must have been somewhat concerned. I'm sure he doesn't want to read a headline that says, MIDDLE-AGED, PARTLY FRENCH WOMAN MORPHS INTO MAN, and feel somewhat responsible for it.
I'm not sure what the point of this story is.
I hope my voice doesn't start cracking.