Wednesday, March 14, 2012

White Flag

I managed to keep it together on the phone.  I mustered up the courage, and I willed my tears away.  My voice sounded upbeat, cheery and hopeful, even as I relayed difficult truths and circumstances.

We are praying for you, here, she said.  We can't wait to have you guys back.

I needed to hear that... that they hadn't given up on us.  They believed it would still happen.

Hanging up, the tears began to well up in my eyes and hot rivers streamed down my cheeks, as they have before, after these conversations.  The sky is clear and bright blue.  I look up and ask God if it's time to give up the dream, desperate for an answer... one way or another.

How does one know when it is time to let a dream go... to let it fade into the recesses of your memories?  We've been holding on to ours for about twenty years now.  We didn't think we'd ever be able to have our own biological children, so we always wanted to adopt.  God had always put it on our hearts.  At the end of 2009, it was finally the right timing, and we spent a year certifying with two different agencies, so that we could adopt children out of foster care.  And then my body shut down.

I don't claim to know what it feels like to struggle with infertility.  We have been so abundantly blessed with our sweet boys.  But I do know what it feels like to want children, and to have a body that simply won't cooperate with that desire.  At times it's heartbreaking and at times it's infuriating.  It's always difficult to understand.

Our certification will be expiring in a few months.  We have prayed and decided to do the work required to keep it intact... for another couple of years.  To see if God wants to accomplish something in that time.  I know His heart is for adoption and redeeming the lives of abandoned little ones, but maybe it just isn't His plan for our family. Perhaps I won't get well, as I had thought... perhaps I need to be at peace in suffering.  Only He knows for certain.

For now...
 I am waving the little white flag.  
I surrender.  
I surrender my dream... our dream.  
I want whatever His dream is for us.  
Even if it looks different.  
Even if it might be hard to accept.  
Even if He takes what seems impossible and makes it possible.  
I want to dream His dream.

"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen."  Ephesians 3:20-21

Do you have dreams that you have been waiting on?


CoachZ said...

Let's Dream His Dream together! Whatever it is it is the BEST!! I love you and your sweet heart. Hope you are feeling a little better today! Love you...

Denise said...

i'm thinking about how things always seem to change after i wave the white flag. thinking about dreams, and "BUT GOD," and that it aint over till it's over.

Amy said...

I love reading your blog. You are such an amazing woman and I admire you. I hope that whatever happens, you are able to accept it and be ok. It seems as though you have a wonderful support system with your husband, I wish nothing but the best for your family. xoxo

Amy said...

I love reading your blog. You are such an amazing woman and I admire you. I hope that whatever happens, you are able to accept it and be ok. It seems as though you have a wonderful support system with your husband, I wish nothing but the best for your family. xoxo

Flor said...

oh linda, your post got me all teary eyed! it seems that when i surrender my own desires and dreams is when HE blesses me with even bigger and better ones! i also have some desires that haven't come to fruition yet and i know i have to be ok with it until He shows me what He wants.
oh friend, i wish you the best of luck in this and know it will all turn out for the best. you will be in my prayers tonight.xoxo

Erica Garcia said...

I'm sitting here in tears ... overwhelmed with your beautiful heart for the Lord and for your family. Praying a special blessing over you today friend.

p.s. have you heard passion's new white flag cd? There are a few great songs on there that remind me of words you've shared here. xo.

Susan said...

sweet friend, i am so sorry you are struggling. i went back to read your previous post again...can't imagine how hard this must be for you.
i do know this...what is meant to be, will be. You've got an incredible heart.

Susan said...

ps - can i also say, i always look for your husband's sweet comments first? what a lucky girl you are!

Cassi Brightforest said...

Oh how hard it is to know which dream is ours or his. Prays and tears to you as you wait for His timing.

nicole aka gidget said...

Praying for you dear friend. Thank goodness we can take comfort in knowing that His plans are better than ours could ever be. I know it's still painful to let go of a dream though.
My the Holy Spirit comfort you as you seek out the Lord's will for you family.

Tamera Beardsley said...

My dear Linda...I do know....I have written this sentence so many times...and edited each one as i realize... I don't.

But I do send you much love...

Simply Sara said...

sweet thing.
i get it, i do.
though my dream is different from yours, i still get it. because our dream has been stolen because of sickness too. (my husbands)

i've struggled to let the dream go for the last 12 years... i'm not sure if it'll ever go away. maybe because I think it's His dream for us too.

praying for you sweet friend. for you to trust the One who knows all things.

Heather said...

Oh heavens. I am wiping the tears away. You have such a beautiful spirit, even when faced with adversity. I can't begin to say I know, because I don't. I am reminded of that passage is Proverbs from your most recent post, "Trust in the Lord..." Trust. I admire you so much for your ability to trust. The Lord's time-table is never ours. Beautiful things happen when we let go, and give ourselves to Him.

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