I managed to keep it together on the phone. I mustered up the courage, and I willed my tears away. My voice sounded upbeat, cheery and hopeful, even as I relayed difficult truths and circumstances.
We are praying for you, here, she said. We can't wait to have you guys back.
I needed to hear that... that they hadn't given up on us. They believed it would still happen.
Hanging up, the tears began to well up in my eyes and hot rivers streamed down my cheeks, as they have before, after these conversations. The sky is clear and bright blue. I look up and ask God if it's time to give up the dream, desperate for an answer... one way or another.
How does one know when it is time to let a dream go... to let it fade into the recesses of your memories? We've been holding on to ours for about twenty years now. We didn't think we'd ever be able to have our own biological children, so we always wanted to adopt. God had always put it on our hearts. At the end of 2009, it was finally the right timing, and we spent a year certifying with two different agencies, so that we could adopt children out of foster care. And then my body shut down.
I don't claim to know what it feels like to struggle with infertility. We have been so abundantly blessed with our sweet boys. But I do know what it feels like to want children, and to have a body that simply won't cooperate with that desire. At times it's heartbreaking and at times it's infuriating. It's always difficult to understand.
Our certification will be expiring in a few months. We have prayed and decided to do the work required to keep it intact... for another couple of years. To see if God wants to accomplish something in that time. I know His heart is for adoption and redeeming the lives of abandoned little ones, but maybe it just isn't His plan for our family. Perhaps I won't get well, as I had thought... perhaps I need to be at peace in suffering. Only He knows for certain.
I am waving the little white flag.
I surrender my dream... our dream.
I want whatever His dream is for us.
Even if it looks different.
Even if it might be hard to accept.
Even if He takes what seems impossible and makes it possible.
I want to dream His dream.
"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21
Do you have dreams that you have been waiting on?