Part of "A Journey to Charis"
Last year, I was quite the hermit. I spoke to a small number of friends on a regular basis. Friends who understood my illness and were willing to come alongside me as I sought healing.
I'm starting to feel more and more like myself, and I have been challenging myself to rejoin the land of the living. Fitting back into society and participating in normal things. Seemingly insignificant steps, but rather large ones for me. Steps that take courage and faith.
About a month ago, I joined up with a carpool with two other families. I thought things were going well. I did have a couple appointments I had made prior to joining, so I had to ask to shift a couple of my carpool turns. But they said it was too confusing to the kids and that it just wasn't going to work out. They would, however, still be happy to drive my son in the morning, which was very generous.
As I processed all this, I realized, I'd essentially been kicked off the carpool. I allowed myself to get worked up over it and I cried on and off for three hours! Three whole hours! I felt like I was back in grammar school and I wasn't getting picked for the kickball team, or someone was having a birthday party, and I wasn't invited. Oh, the drama.
But it went far deeper than that. I began to struggled with feeling accused.
You are socially inept.
You're needs are not important.
You cause problems for people.
You can't be trusted with other people's children.
You don't belong out among people.
You are pathetic.
All these accusations sticking to me... covering me with their lies and condemnation.
But I am reminded in Romans 8:1 that "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."
And John 8:44 tells me "... (Satan) was a murderer from the beginning, and has nothing to do with the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies."
I realized I was listening to the accuser and dwelling on his words instead of God's. Have you ever had accusing thoughts in your head that begin with "You..." Third person thoughts. Friends, they do not come from you, they do not come from God, they come from the Accuser... the Father of Lies. The one who is trying to steal, kill and destroy your life, not the One who is offering you life in abundance (John 10:10).
So I am paying attention to my thoughts. Taking captive those that come from the accuser and dwelling on the truth of God that sets me free. Peeling off those lies and seeking His grace and mercy, as He continues to help me persevere through this trial.