Friday, September 2, 2011

Borrowed Faith


Lessons along the way

It was over twenty years ago, but I remember the day clearly.  I was a young teenager in high school, and I sang a solo for my congregation during a church service.  After the pastor finished his sermon, a couple found me, and with tears in their eyes, they told me how the song had ministered to them during a very difficult time in their lives.  I never knew what they were going through, but I knew that God had spoken to them in a very specific way, and for that I was thankful.  I don't remember the title of the song, or many of the lyrics, but I distinctly remember one of the melodic phrases...

"When you can't trace His hand, trust His heart..."

This weekend marks the anniversary of the beginning of my Journey to Charis.  The weekend when my health would fail me, and depression and anxiety would become my constant shadows.  While I am in a much healthier place now, physically and mentally, my spiritual struggles remain the most profound.

There was a time not so long ago when I knew that God was not only my Father and Creator, but my Close Companion as well.  I loved our talks in prayer. I marveled at His beauty and wonder.  I poured over His Word, dissecting the intricate meanings behind simple words and phrases.  I joyfully sang His praise and served Him with gladness.

I felt His presence.

And His love.

In a very real way.

But during this past year, I feel as though a switch has been turned off... as though something has been severed.

It hurts.

Because at the time when I need Him most desperately, it seems as though He removed His presence from my life.

Deep down, I know these are my feelings and not what is true.


So I have been borrowing my faith. 

From King David as he teaches me about my good Shepherd who won't leave my side as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death.  Who praises His God even when he feels he has been abandoned.

From Job who shows me that God's ways are higher than my own... who eventually finds answers to all his "whys."

From other saints of old who didn't hear from God for years, but persisted in their faith,  knowing He would keep His promises.  And even those like Sarah and Abraham who balked at God's promise, only to be amazingly blessed anyway.

From a friend who shares with me "The Dark Night of the Soul." She shows me that perhaps this crisis is a step toward spiritual maturity, where I cannot trust in my feelings anymore.  Maybe this is an opportunity for my faith to take a deeper journey, beyond the realm of the experiential.

From Christ Himself, who knew what it was like to dwell in human form and feel forsaken.  And yet He surrendered His life anyway.

So I am working on surrender.

Even when I can't feel His presence.

Even when I don't know the answers to all my why's.

Even when I have to borrow my faith from days gone by.

When I can't trace His hand, I will choose to trust His heart.


12 comments:

mom/popfoote said...

this is truly the best and really only way to walk the walk.
"though He slay me, yet i will trust in Him"
i feel the strength in your words,
keep writing
much love to you

Heather said...

You are truly a blessed soul. I hope you know that. I admire your strength to continue in your faith, even if it is "borrowed."
I recall a sunday school lesson from my childhood. It has stayed with me always. The teacher suggested that even if we did not have our own testimony of God or the Savior Jesus Christ, we can borrow from our parents. For me, it was through the faith of my parents that I learned to develop my own testimony and to learn and love my Savior.
You are an inspiration.

Lula said...

Here's a comment I hope you take as constructive. I am following your blog and I read every post but I can't quite enjoy or get passed the fonts and the size change. I don't know exactly why you do it, you must have a reason and what you write is worthy of reading, but it gets very annoying with the changing font size. Hope you don't take this the wrong way, just a sweet comment from a reader :)

Linda Z said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Wow. That is amazing. Borrowed faith. I love that. Thanks for posting and allowing us to share your in journey. Very honoring to God, showing his strength in weakness. You have obviously gained some supernatural wisdom somehow through all of this. PS - you can still make people cry. Now I need some borrowed kleenex!

Danny

Anonymous said...

that is so beautiful, linda. beautiful in its telling of hard truth. thank you for sharing.

joy

Anonymous said...

Just read through some of your journey. Such a beautiful truth in borrowing faith. We indeed can cry out "Help me with my unbelief Lord". I have done this so often myself. Praying your ENTIRE being will continue in healing moment by moment. ps. love the clothes pics-you're adorable :)♥

Cami

hannah singer said...

linda, i am sending you a huge hug!!
this is beautiful and true.
i can really identify with you.
i am still learning to be patient in god's seeming absence and borrow. that. faith.
xo

Psalm 40:1-3
I waited patiently for the Lord;
he inclined to me and heard my cry.
He drew me up from the pit of destruction,
out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock,
making my steps secure.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
and put their trust in the Lord.

Momma of The B.M.C. Report said...

What a great post and what a blessing you are. I think we all can work on surrender. I know I can! Loved reading your heart in this post! Can't wait to see what the ways the Lord uses this in your life and the many people who read your blog!

xoxox,
Maria

Audrey @ Putting Me Together said...

Hi Linda. :) These are beautiful thoughts, and while I don't know what specifically is going on for you I can say that I know this place very well. Have you heard of Rita Springer? She's one of my favorite worship leaders because she tends to write a lot of songs from this similar place and she sings healing and freedom and courage into your spirit. I highly recommend her, and if you haven't heard of her, let me know and I'll suggest songs for you!

Tamera Beardsley said...

Linda, I have been back to this post several times, it speaks to me so. Thank you so much for sharing your soul! You, as always, inspire me!

The Popes said...

So beautifully written.

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