Sunday, July 10, 2011

The Shadows of Mordor

The Valley: Part 7

I don't know if I want to continue with this story.  It just gets so depressing.  Why would people want to read it, I wondered aloud.

Things have to get really bad before they can get good, my husband assured me.  It's like going into Mordor.  It just has to get worse before it gets better.  That's what makes a good story.

So this isn't the happy ending...  not yet. 

Act 2, I thought,  and I mentally traipsed toward the blackened landscape with only a bit of lambas bread in my pocket.  At least I have my "Sam."

I changed my diet.  No sugar, no high glycemic fruit, no processed foods, no refined flour, no dairy, no caffeine.  Not even occasionally.  Goodbye edible happiness. Hello to high quality proteins, whole grains, low-glycemic fruits and vegetables... and a bit of seasoning from the Shire.

I began taking handfuls of supplements to support my adrenals and address my systemic viruses.  And I rested, tried to rest... a lot.

I was doing everything "right," only I was getting progressively worse.

The "sisters" were tethered to me like a schizophrenic Gollum on an Elvish rope.  They would ultimately lead me to my destination, but they would become utterly unbearable along the way.

Each day my symptoms jumped from one jagged landscape to another, through the Dead Marshes, and on to Mount Doom.

Doom... I felt it so heavily.  I thought about death more frequently than I would like to admit.  I wasn't trying to focus on it... I was trying to focus on abundant life... on Jesus.  But it was as if I was locked in the solitary confinement of my body, and my own mind began to betray me.  My tears followed me deep into the night and settled into a pool of nightmares.  I was trapped.  Someone was after me.  I was being left to die.  Wake up... wake up.  Night after night I was drenched in a bath of my own tears and perspiration.  Where was rest?  I was terrified of closing my eyes.  My "Sam" would hold me and pray over me.  Your life is worth living... I won't leave your side.

And then there were the nights when Gollum spoke to his refection in the pool.  The reflection that couldn't stop thinking and couldn't sit still.  These were the bitter nights I couldn't get to sleep at all.  The moment I laid down, the disturbing palpitations in my heart began.  Thump thump.  Thump thump.  Louder, stronger.  Like someone startled me, and my adrenaline spiked and wouldn't return to normal.  I wanted to run, I wanted to climb the walls.  There was an inner trembling and an intense agitation.  Spurts of panic awakened me after I finally found myself in a sound sleep.  My muscles twitched and my limbs felt like pins and needles.  The pressure and pain in my head and ears intensified.  So much pain... like a migraine that went on day after day, night after night.  It was so hard to think... I could only feel intense emotion.  Irrational emotion and physical pain.

Some nights I would endure a fitful sleep, and others were tormented by incessant insomnia.  There was never any legitimate rest.

And then there were the days...

I couldn't  think... nothing would ease the perpetual pain in my head.  It felt as though I was living in a fog.  As hard as I might try, I couldn't concentrate or process my thoughts.

The sisters were always fighting it out, and their fights became terribly severe over time.

So weak, so tired... I couldn't get out of bed for days at a time.  The bedraggled cousin wouldn't stop following me around.  My muscles couldn't bear her weight.

Then I felt wired... and I couldn't turn myself off.

My hair was falling out.

My blood pressure was far too low.

My blood sugar wouldn't stabilize.  I couldn't even digest my carefully selected food properly.

Couldn't handle people, couldn't handle stress, couldn't make decisions... everything was overwhelming.

Fragile... if I were pushed any farther, I was sure I would break into a hundred little pieces.

This couldn't possibly be happening because of my adrenal glands alone.  I had never felt quite like this before... I had never been this physically and emotionally ill.

Something else was wrong.  There just had to be something else.

After several months of suffering, I discovered the base of the mountain was just up ahead.  Finally, I would find answers and begin the ascension.


Tamera Beardsley said...

Your writing is so very honest and engaging my dear.

The Schmidts said...

Explaining what you went through makes me feel sick (as it should)--you definitely have a way with words. I'm so glad you are doing better. :) Rhiannon

Anonymous said...

Your blog is so amazing. I echo Rhiannon that I am so very thankful you are doing better. I can hardly wait until you are fully recovered.


Linda Z said...

Nothing but love for you.


Erica.Michelle. said...

ah Linda you inspire me. I'm so proud of you for hanging in there. You are such a gifted writer. I'm blessed by it.

Anonymous said...

Physically, I am feeling the same as you described. Mentally and emotionally, I know I have a lot on my mind, but I'm still managing. I think my body's going to give out first... hopefully not. Love your honesty. Stay strong. Stay well.

Simply Sara said...

i am reminded of the saying "it's always darkest before the dawn"

and, i know i've said it before but i have to again...

you are beautiful.
for sharing.
for obedience.
for the way you do both.

can't wait to read the rest of His story!


hannah singer said...

well, this could have been written by me. beautiful tolkien references included.

praise jesus for moving you to share this. i am being blessed. your blog is a balm to my often weary soul. so grateful i've found you!!

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