Monday, June 27, 2011

Saying No



The Valley: Part 6 

The day finally arrived.  We had been waiting patiently for two years.  Going through two certifications. Learning all we could in our classes.  Praying for our girls.  Praying for redemption.  Moving the boys into a room together so that the girls would have a place to call their own.  Preparing their hearts for sisters.  Preparing ours for daughters.

Linda, I have some good news.  We have found two sisters that need a home.  I think that this would be perfect for you guys.

I felt the lump in my throat and the nausea well up in the pit of my stomach.  Oh, Lord, no.  Why now? 

I prayed silently.  Please help me get through this conversation without weeping.  Please give me the grace to be able to say no.  I can't do this alone.

Please don't tell me anything about them, I said.  It will be too difficult.  You see, I am dealing with chronic illness... it is a glandular issue I have dealt with before, but I don't have the physical capacity to take any children right now.  Could you put us on hold for now, until I'm done with my treatment?

I listened to my own voice, full of hope, optimism and a blind assurance.  And then I hung up and collapsed in a sobbing heap.  Oh, how my heart ached.   Lord, why is this happening?  I know it is your heart to redeem these girls and show them your love.  I know your heart is for adoption.  Why have you allowed me to become so ill?  Why can't I take these children?

My whys were met by my husband's comforting arms, and we grieved over the loss together.  Could I just take a paternity leave at work and take them? he asked.  But we were barely able to care for our own pressing needs.  It just wasn't possible.  The answer was no... it was clearly no.

Along my journey, a friend spoke the oxymoronic phrase...

It is important to suffer well.

I have thought about this idea a lot.  More specifically, what do I want to gain from my suffering so that it is not wasted.  Do I want to be done with the season and move on, or in it, do I want to learn compassion and the heart of Jesus as I have never known.

The one vision that has remained in my mind about the way life will look when I am well is that we will adopt our girls.  They will complete the picture of our family.  It is a deep Shalom... a peace I can't even comprehend.  There is seldom any doubt or questioning in my mind about it.    And I wonder if they are the reason I have been allowed to travel through this dark valley.

So that I could be given a glimpse into their fragile, broken hearts.

So that I would have a fresh understanding of pain and fear and uncertainty.

So that my limited understanding would be replaced with a deep perseverance and longsuffering.

So that my heart would learn to deeply love what is really important.

Only time will tell.

12 comments:

CoachZ said...

Oh man this WAS a tough one. At the time we could see no good in having to say no. Now I get glimpses of why and (Lord willing) when this does happen I'm sure we will look back and say, "Yup, the Lord knows what He's doing!"

Love ya hon! Keep writing!

Karen said...

Another beautiful post... My heart felt heavy for you just reading it.

Linda Z said...

Posting some thoughts from Facebook... I want to remember these in my journey. :)

Linda Z said...

Praying for you both today especially. so good to see you yesterday sister! We love you guys!

James

Anonymous said...

"I've been waiting all my life. You're not a day, not a day too soon!" Sia

Deb

Anonymous said...

LOVE YOU!! Hope that your journey through the valley is coming to fruition and that even as Job was RICHLY rewarded at the end of his trials that the restoration God brings you is beyond anything you, Patrick or your boys can even imagine (and that it includes completing your family as you have been promised).
Blessings and JOY!!

Teryne

Anonymous said...

Linda, I love you. Your blog about the girls made me cry.......sister I will be praying for you. love you, love you, love you!

Larianne

Anonymous said...

...I do know one thing. God allows this pain and pulls us in close and we hang on to him tight in these cases. Is that what this is really about? so many questions. but only one answer. Faith. :)
love your sister in Christ! I pray for our faith to be built up so high! higher than all the piles and piles of questions we have.

Gwen

Shelly said...

You are amazing, Linda! I just know that you minister to so many people with your incredible faith. I want to just wrap my arms around you and give you a big hug! I continue to pray for you, friend....for your health, your family, and your perseverance.

Denise said...

oh, i can only imagine how hard that was, but good. and in time, His time, it will be 20/20 and you will know the why and your Shalom will be increased. i look forward with great expectation with you to the rest of this story.

may God continue to write you for your girls and your girls for you for His glory {i know He will}.

Simply Sara said...

there have been times in my life when "no" has made me shake my fists in anger at heaven. where i've grieved and felt broken and alone.

BUT GOD.... and there is always a "but God" sees the bigger picture.

looking back i can see how i needed to travel down that broken road.
He was there.
He carries.
He comforts.
He brings healing.

and i truly believe that it is only in the darkest valley that we can see the parts of Him that go unnoticed otherwise.

linda. though my heart grieves for you, it also stands in awe to see how you have turned yourself over to Him. For His glory.

praying for you. your family. your girls.

and one day i pray that i will get to meet you all!
xoxo

Diane Marie said...

Again I "feel" in your words...from your heart...somehow you seem to reflect so beautifully what I can not seem to put into words. God Bless you bunches! And I am send ing a big hug! So glad God showed me your blog. It was no accident I am sure.
Diane

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