Saturday, May 21, 2011

She Has a Sister


The Valley: Part 2

Winter's chill and gloom gave way to spring's brighter days. 
My mood seemed to be taking cues from the weather
My body had recovered from the onslaught of cold and flu season and healed from a hernia surgery.

The future seemed brighter. 
Brighter... until her sister came in on the evening train.

She wasn't too much of a bother... at first.
At least she was more upbeat and full of energy. 
I could use her brand of caffeine just about then.
Yes, she would be a far better companion than her forlorn sibling.

But her energy and enthusiasm needed wheels.
She had an edginess about her that couldn't be contained.
She needed to get away, and she wanted to take me with her.
Like Thelma and Louise, I asked? 
But I knew that didn't end well. 
No that wasn't the answer.

But she persisted.
What are you doing here, she asked?
You'll crawl the walls if you stay here.
Aren't you just itching to get out of your skin... to go somewhere, anywhere?

I love and adore my husband and my boys, I insisted.  
My life is entirely committed to them.
How could I even entertain ideas of leaving with this wayward woman.
But I was agitated.
I didn't want to be contained, and I had to keep reeling in my "bad" thoughts.

No, the answer was not running. 
I would need to figure this out.
A lot of people have midlife issues, I reasoned.
I would just need to find a way, in God's strength, to navigate through them.
I was honest with my husband and he wanted to see me through.
It was reassuring to know he was on my side... we would work it out together.
I promise it's not you at all,  I told him.  I don't know what's wrong with me.
It's ok, we'll get through this, he comforted me.

But sister was jealous of our relationship and resolve.
And angry that I wouldn't run away with her.
She began closing in on me. 
I'll make you wish you'd gone, she threatened.

She became nails on a chalkboard.
Her presence was constant and unsettling. 
My body and mind became a breeding ground for hypersensitivity.

To sounds.
To people.
To ideas.

To myself
... especially myself.


Everyone and everything was out to get me
I wanted to crawl out of my skin and leave the heavy beats of my heart and the disturbing twitches of my muscles behind.

I wanted to hide in someone else's frame.

Somewhere she couldn't find me... and I didn't have to inhabit my own physique any longer.

But she persisted, as a snake coiled around my neck... whispering intimidation in my ear.
Waiting for me to make a false move.

Waiting for me to see it her way...

Anxiety's way

6 comments:

Denise said...

"To myself... especially myself."

linda, you penned precisely what i went through in my "great depression."

i know these words are your own. i know they tell your story... but you are telling mine (and likely the story of many others... may God be glorified).

in 2003 i entertained leaving every moment of every single day. it wasn't the family i wanted to get away from... it was me. i'd plan an escape route and never follow through (i'd been abandoned by my parents numerous times in numerous ways). i'd entertain eternal escape. PRAISE GOD i never followed through.

oh the stories i could tell.

we need to get together!

praise God for mercy. in His mercy for allowing you to walk through this. may hindsight become clearer and clearer.

praise God for TRUTH... that Jesus is the WAY, LIFE, TRUTH.

oh how we desperately need Him every hour.

btw- have you read "Hind's feet in High Places?"

this book about Much Afraid's (main character) journey is similar to the season in life you have experienced. it was a hard book to read. a relief and yet she struggled so... i just wanted her to get to the high places already!

much love linda!

Colleen said...

Hello. :) Sorry that it took me so long to come around! I'm so glad that you're back to blogging! (Just caught up on your posts.) Your writing is beautiful. Thank you for having the courage to share your journey. I pray that the Lord brings healing to your heart and renews your soul with His joy. I've been there too. I know that you read my most recent post (thanks for your sweet comment, btw) but I highly recommend Praying God's Word, if you haven't read it. I discovered the incredible power of claiming God's promises over the broken places in my life. There is a section on depression. It may be a comfort. Anyway, I'm so glad that you are allowing us in on your journey.

Anonymous said...

Psalm 119:92-112.

Focus on the lamp to your feet that lights your path and take things one step at a time. Godspeed.

kris said...

As I am growing older I am learning to withhold from acting out on these thoughts you voiced so eloquently. I've had them all my life. "I'm independent" I'd say. And it was just accepted by those in my life. But then I found the person I want to live independently with. I'd never thought before reading this that anxiety played a role in my behavior and thoughts. Guess I should have known.

Diane Marie said...

Once again you have put on paper what has been inside of my head..like one of the other posts said, you write for many people. Hinds Feet...I have identified with " Much Afraid". But through God 's wonderful grace, we can all end up on the "Mountain of Spices". YOU need to put these into a book.
Blessings my friend
And a hug
Diane

Cassi said...

What a great post. I too struggle with anxiety and you wrote it out perfectly

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