Thursday, October 16, 2008

My Heart for the Unborn: Part 1

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down

from the Father of the heavenly lights,

who does not change like shifting shadows.

James 1:17

Four years ago, Patrick was layed off from a job where he'd only been gainfully employed for about a month. I felt as though someone had punched me in the gut, and then a general feeling of nausea persisted for the next few days. As we struggled to trust in God's sovreign plan, the nausea just didn't subside. One pregnancy test later, I confirmed that we were indeed jobless and expecting. We laughed at the ironic comedy of it all. God has amazing timing, doesn't He? This would surely be a lesson in believing that.

Unsure of how we should break the news to my folks, we did what any jobless, expecting couple would do... we told Josh to tell the big secret. My mom, in true form, cried tears of joy, and my dad smiled and said, "Well, finally, some good news!!" Their reaction was such a great encouragement to our hearts. The miracle of this new little life was a great gift in the midst of a trial...

It was cause for rejoicing and hope for the future.

The circumstances surrounding my pregnancy with Jason made for a very different prenatal care experience than I'd had with Josh. We filed for unemployment and Medi-Cal, as well, since we had no insurance, and no one wanted to insure a pregnant woman at a reasonable rate. This meant a change in my OBGYN and the office staff I was so familiar and comfortable with.

The new office was cold and clinical. The office assistant seemed devoid of emotion as she handed me a pile of paperwork to fill out. There were so many questions about whether I was using drugs or drinking. I felt as though they were assuming the worst of me.

My new doctor greeted me with professionalism, but no sense of warmth. I remember feeling as though I had done something wrong, and I fought feelings of shame. I desperately wanted her to congratulate me and show excitement for this new life, but instead she asked how I felt about the baby and whether or not it was even wanted.

"Yes it is wanted. We are so excited about this baby," I said as my face reddened and my eyes began to sting.

I tried not to allow the tears which were welling up in my eyes spill over onto my cheeks. As I left the office, I decided that the joy of the Lord would have to be my strength.


CoachZ said...

What a blessing Jason is! What a trip that whole process was...What an awesome God we serve!

Colleen said...

Looking forward to reading the rest of the story! I think it has a happy ending... :)

Linda Z said...

I agree, honey! J is a huge blessing and God is amazing!

Colleen... although Jason was a happy ending, I think God used the whole process not for our own happiness, but to teach us an refine us and to show us how different His heart is for children than what the world teaches us.

Rob, Kelly, and Bennett said...

Hi Linda,
Oh, you have no idea how much I relate to your story. Rob does have a job, and we are thankful for is all a long story that does not fit into the comment section of a blog (I was, for example, on the phone the other day with multiple doctor's offices who asked me all sorts of intimidating and humbling questions). Let's just say I am anxiously awaiting the hopeful turn around in your story :).

Thank you for reminding me that the joy of the Lord is my strength. Your blog is so encouraging!

Denise said...

our income was very low (my husband worked in christian camping, need i say more) when we had, well all our children. we received Aim with the first 2, and Medi-Cal as a secondary with the last.
i got the same feeling and occasional questions from a couple of doctors. it saddened me.
i have struggled asking God why he could not provide in a less humiliating way, but i am grateful for the lessons learned, the compassion grown, the humility gained. and really that i am not still paying off those hospital bills!

Linda Z said...

Kelly... thank you so much! I'll be praying for you and Elodie!

Denise... thank you for sharing your heart. I learned a great deal about humility and compassion through the experience, too. And thank your husband for serving at a Christian camp!! I went to camp so many times and God always used them in such big ways to draw me closer to Him and closer in fellowship with my friends.

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