Controlled Burn

Driving along the back roads from San Luis today, I enjoyed some rare moments of quiet. The hills were a lush, Irish green and the gray clouds hung in an ominous, drab sky. It was beautiful in a subtle way, framed in the silence of the countryside.



As I wound around the hills and into the clearing, I smelled smoke intermingled with the moist air. I inhaled deeply, and almost expected a little log cabin to appear with a wisp of smoke escaping from a pipe-topped chimney. However, the smoke I saw was thick and billowed from a ranch nestled at the foot of a nearby hill.



Scanning the horizon, I saw another cloud of smoke surging from the midst of another homestead. Then three more would spontaneously greet me before I reached home.



Controlled burns, I thought, finally catching a glimpse of the great pile of leaves, sticks and twigs being consumed beneath the puffs. I had seen them before, but it seemed uncharacteristic that there were so many going at the same moment. Perhaps it was the contrast of the drizzling sky that made them more noticeable.



I wondered how the landowners keep these blazes contained and it made me a twinge nervous to think that the flames could easily begin to consume beyond their boundaries and become a force of destruction.



Just an hour earlier, I had been sharing some realizations during a lunch date with a friend. My emotions and feelings often burn with intensity. When I have the discipline to control them, they are a useful force, fuel for my passions. And there are other times when I allow them to reach beyond their fences and burn those around me.



What I'm considering lately, though, is that emotions and feelings can be contained within a controlled burn lit by an external source. Instead of fanning emotional wildfires in my life, I want to submit my emotions to my Creator. I want to be saddened and angered by what brings sadness and anger to His heart, and not waste my time and energy getting incensed about things that don't really matter in the long run, in God's economy. My desire is for Him to continually ignite my heart within the bounds of His great love and mercy.

I want to be a controlled burn.

Bringing my Silly Back

This past year has been a growing one. I'm a processor by nature. I can be very intense. Sometimes I wish I could find an "off switch" in my brain, because I am constantly thinking things through... mulling over circumstances, pondering theology, contemplating ideas.

A little over a year ago, I saw an old friend. She is a friend, essentially from a different lifetime. Do you know what I mean? Someone who knew you back when... when you were you, but a you 20 some odd years ago? It's funny how some people are cemented in your mind in a certain way, and even though time has passed, it seems to stand still in your relationship for some reason.

As we were continuing our conversation and catching up, so to speak, we were discussing our lives and some of what God was accomplishing in and through us. And then she said something that I wasn't quite sure how to respond to.

"I always thought of you as a silly girl," she expressed... or at least something along those lines. It seemed as though she thought it was good I had grown out of my "silliness." And then she immediately looked as if she regretted what she had said.

I have done that thousands of times, so I really felt for her. While I can pull my thoughts together on paper, erase and rewrite until it reflects my true heart, I have a difficult time putting words together in "real time." Often flustered, I can't come up with the vocabulary I'm looking for, or even a coherent thought. I can be very socially awkward, but I've learned to live with it. And having an extroverted husband to compliment my clumsy interactions has certainly saved me on many occasions.

Enough with my babbling though, and back to the "silly girl" comment. I wasn't quite certain how to receive it, or if I even wanted to. Was it condescending? Was she attacking my character? Did she think I wasn't capable? Or was she simply astounded at the fact that God could work through someone like me? Probably the later, as I'm quite bewildered and humbled by that fact on a weekly basis... no, daily.

For a while, I settled on that explanation and moved on. However, I didn't get very far. I kept coming back to "silly." I hadn't ever really characterized myself as silly, nor had I ever necessarily been described that way by anyone else. Yet as I thought about my personality back then, I was a person who laughed with great delight, until I was crying and sometimes on the floor doubled over with glee. Joy came with so much ease and more frequently and freely before "life" happened.

I've realized, in the midst of a difficult season, that I miss that girl, silly or however I might choose to describe her. Strangely enough, God gave me two unexpected friends this year that have drawn her back into existence. I'm getting reacquainted and loving every minute of it.

Welcome back, silly girl.
I've missed you.

Hello, December!

Last year, we all shared our favorite Christmas movies. I wasn't sure if Little Women counted, but you validated my choice! I haven't watched it yet this year, but it's on my list of things to do this December!

This year, I would like to know... what is your favorite Christmas song? And do you have a special memory that goes with it?

I think mine is the classic "Silent Night." It is just such a peaceful and simple retelling of the Christmas story.

In high school, I sang the second verse during a concert. All the lights were out in the auditorium, and it felt as though everyone in the room was holding their breath as my voice echoed in the darkness.

Silent night, holy night!
Shepherds quake at the sight.
Glories stream from heaven afar,
Heavenly hosts sing Alleluia.
Christ the Savior is born!
Christ the Savior is born.

Last year, a bell choir played a beautiful rendition. Just as the last note resounded in the church, a little newborn baby let out a tiny, perfect cry. It was so beautiful... it still brings tears to my eyes.

Closing out a Month of Thanks

For the beauty of the earth
For the glory of the skies,
For the love which from our birth
Over and around us lies,
Lord of all, to Thee we raise
This our hymn of grateful praise.
-Folliott S. Pierpoint, 1864

Nov. 1 The Gospel story through the book of Ruth

Nov. 2 The start of a new women's discipleship group that

the Lord provided for in every way

Nov. 3 A new doctor's office... I am feeling very cared for

Nov. 4 Discoving JJ Heller's beautiful music

Nov. 5 Dinner at Del's with our adorable newlywed friends

Nov. 6 Getting to see Josh and his class work so hard

washing cars

to raise money for the homeless shelter

Nov. 7 A four year old who still loves to cuddle every morning :)

Nov. 8 Family bike rides on the Bob Jones Trail

Nov. 9 Feeling completely alive today

Nov. 10 The most wonderful friends a girl could as for

Nov. 11 A husband who loves me enough to work through the difficult things

Nov. 12 Josh's steller report card... way to go, J!

Nov. 13 Our time at the shelter, which makes me extra thankful for our home

Nov. 14 Pumpkin pancakes and some quiet time

Nov. 15 Yummy birthday breakfast with the fam,

a day early at Zorro's

Nov. 16 Birthday time at Disneyland with my sweet friend, Erin

Nov. 17 A new novel... Though Waters Roar, by Lynn Austin

Nov. 18 My choir family...
so awesome to sing God's praises with them

Nov. 19 My parents who live 8 houses away

Nov. 20 An extended Thanksgiving break... wohoo

Nov. 21 Age spots and gray hairs which remind me how gracious God has been to give me many years of life

Nov. 22 Sunny CA, beach-worthy days

Nov. 23 Sleep...

Nov. 24 My friend Thomas, whose faith
in the midst of a cancer battle
astounds and inspires me

Nov. 25 Watching the boys enjoy Legoland
and drive their "own cars"

Nov. 26 A warm Thanksgiving time with family and new friends

Nov. 27 A God whose love and faithfulness endures

Nov. 28 Coming home after a relaxing time away

Nov. 29 A wonderful church family to love, serve, worship with and grow with over the past 11 years

Nov. 30 All the lessons I've learned in 2009

I'm not the same person I was last November

It's a Legoland Thanksgiving, Charlie Brown!

It's been a long time since I've done a big picture post,

so here,

we,

go...

New friends in the parking lot!

Hanging out with Bob
and mapping out my day!

How many Legos does it take to build an elephant?

Just me and Indy

Pilot Z and Co-pilot Z

Wheeeeeeeee!!!

Knight Rider

I'm too old for this baby ride!

Well, maybe not!

Can I have one of these?

Help, I've been swallowed by a great white shark!!

Oh, no! Me, too!!!

This ride is too scarey for me!

Not sure what this has to do with Legos,
but I love English phone booths!

I get to drive my own car???

Josh... very serious about passing the test!

Back in the driver's seat...

"Look, ma! No hands!!"

Peek-a-boo!!

Sky Cruiser Buddies

Contemplating complex creations...

and looking cute while doing it!

Jason looooooves dinos!

The Whole Lego Family

Thankful that we live in the land of liberty...

and hoping we use our freedoms wisely in the years to come.

Did you do anything fun during Thanksgiving week?

My New Name

Monday was my birthday, and I went down to the OC to cash in on a free day at Disneyland. Erin and I got the day started with a little detour to Starbucks (cause I know how to order there now). I asked for a Tall Chai Latte and I told them my name was Linda. The Starbucks lady said, "Sure, Annette, coming right up." Hmmm, I thought... did she just call me Annette? No that couldn't be, because Linda doesn't sound anything like Annette.

Three minutes later, the guy behind the counter was calling for Annette. I didn't want to embarrass him or anything... I mean it wasn't his fault. So I just took the cup, and sure enough, in very pretty cursive writing, there it was... Annette.

So I guess I now have a Starbucks name.

Hello, my name is Annette... may I have a Peppermint Mocha Frap, no whip?

On a road marked with suffering...

My emotional state has been in constant state of flux the past couple of weeks. I have been in deep states of sadness, have wrestled with anger, and have stared out the window, my mind swirling in confusion like the fall leaves in a sudden gust.

Why, Lord?

I don't understand.

And the tears well up in my eyes again and it is hard to see the answers.

Wendy was due to have her sweet, firstborn son, most likely on a windy Chicago day in early November.

But something happened. Something no one could foresee. The life she and Larry had been nurturing, praying for, waiting for with hopeful expectation, suddenly ended at 38 weeks.

She labored and gave birth to Jonathan Timothy. He was a beautiful little boy with perfectly formed features, who will someday be reunited with his extraordinary parents who have an amazing love for him.

Wendy and Larry have met this trial with tremendous hope and faith in God. It simply astounds me.

Wendy said, "Life is hard. . . but we have a strong God."

Instead of continuing to question, I am trying to take my thoughts captive and hold on to that truth. I am asking the Lord to help me wholeheartedly believe that he will work this out for good, because they truly love Him and are called according to His purposes. I need to trust in His strength.

Wendy and Larry... you are remarkable parents, and I will never forget your sweet JT and how he has touched my life. May the Lord continue to be your hope, your comfort, and your strength.

He gives and takes away...
my heart with chose to say

blessed be the name of the Lord.